New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Acknowledgements
Foreword
BILL MAHER A - NEW RULES
A Perfect Cliché
A Suit and Battery
AARP Yours
Abigail Van Buried
Abu Grab-Ass
Accessories after the Fact
Ad-Nauseum
Alter, Boys
Anchors Away
Aromatic Transmission
Ash Hole
To Surrogate with Love
BILL MAHER B - NEW RULES
Bad & Plenty
Bargain Bins
Bawl Game
Be Real
Bear Ass
Biker Chic
Blow Hard III: Blow Harder!
Body Shop
Booze Clues
Bore Play
Bored of the Rings
Brag Bashing
Brew Ha Ha
Bulletin Bored
Bush Whack
But Siriusly
Butt Out
Byte Me
Truth in Labeling
BILL MAHER C - NEW RULES
C3 Pee-Yew
Call Hating
Can You Hear Me Now?
Car Tune Network
Cell Lout
Center Old
Check Your Local Lispings
Checkout Whine
Chief Wannabe
Chock Full o’ Putz
Chopping Spree
Class-Holes
Closed-Mouth Session
Color Scheme
Coming-Out Party
Coming Too Soon
Corntroversy
Coronary Eatery
Crappy Meal
BILL MAHER D - NEW RULES
Defense Mechanism
Déjà View
Deliverance
Devout of His Mind
Diet-Netics
Don’t Be Hatin’
Don’t Go Greek
Don’t Play It Again, Sam
Du Jour Job
BILL MAHER E
Eddie Iz
Elimistate
Emerald Ale
Emission Impossible
Entertainment Weakly
Exit Pole
Exit, Poll
Assisted Leaving
BILL MAHER F - NEW RULES
Face Reality
Faking the Band
Fantastic Bore
Faux Paw
Fashion Police
Felonious Monks
Femoirs
Film Boff
Flat Tax
Floral Sex
Folk Off
Fool Recovery
For Your Reconsideration
Ford Galaxy
Forget Paris
Fossett Drip
Fox Populi - NEW RULE
Fresh Seamen
Friends to the End
BILL MAHER G - NEW RULES
Gas Bags
Gay-per-View
Gaydar Aid
Getting Blown
Gin Dummy
Giving Good Headlines
Glutton, Honey
Gone Fission
Got MILF?
Grandma Poses
Gun Fighters
Gyro Worship
BILL MAHER H - NEW RULES
Hair Apparent
Hajj-Podge
Hallowed Grounds
Handicrapped
Have It Yahweh
Heir Head
Hin-Don’t
Historical Blindness
Holy Matrimony
Holy Spirit
Home Chopping Network
Homicidal Namiacs
Hooked on Ebonics
Hysterical Blandness
Flee Circus
BILL MAHER I - RULES
I Do-Wop
I Hear Dead People
I Promise I’ll Be Yentl
Inky Dinky Don’t
Inside the Actors’ Ego
Internet Virus
It’s Dead, Jim
Sin-a-Plex
BILL MAHER J - NEW RULES
Jersey, Sure
Jet Blew
BILL MAHER K - NEW RULES
K-9 Jelly
Krystal Not
Kidiots - NEW RULE
Hitting below the Beltway
BILL MAHER L - NEW RULES
Lassie, Stay Home
Last Writes
Law and Order: SUV
Lemon Law
Let Freedom Jiggle
Lipstick Thespians
Lite Remark
Lost Verizon
Love Thy Neighbor
BILL MAHER M - NEW RULES
M*A*S*H Note
Magazine Racks
Makeup Artist
Man Date
Manual Stimulation
March Madness
Mass. Hysteria
Mayberry PCP
Mein Furor
MIA Culpa
Mission Implausible
Mob TV
Money for Nothing
Mother Posterior
BILL MAHER N
Name Dropping
Navy Seals
Newsweak
No Big Thing
No-Coin-Do
No Free Crunch
Nookie Monster
BILL MAHER O - NEW RULES
Only Begotten Sony
Ooh la Lame
Operation Dessert Storm
Osama Been Hidin’
Oscar Nod
Taint Misbehavin’
BILL MAHER P - NEW RULES
Pasta la Vista
Pay Ball!
Pewsweek
Pie-Curious
Pitt Happens
Pluck Off
Pontiff-icating
Pope Goes Caviezel
Potty Pooper
Puck Off
Pyramid Scheme
BILL MAHER R - NEW RULES
Racy Language
Ranch Dressing
Rat Patrol
Red Carpet Munching
Reel Time
REM Job
Residential Library
Roidian Slip
Row v. Wave
Rx Shun
BILL MAHER S - NEW RULES
Sabbath Schmabbath
Santa Pause
Saving Private Cryin’
Scary Gobblin’
Sciatica Night Fever
Shot/Ale Diplomacy
Sickey D’s
*69
Skeletal Refrains
Smooth Saline
So-Duh
Softening Dick
Sour Kraut
Square Dunce
Star Bores
Statue of Limitations
Statuette of Limitations
Stiff Up Her Lip
Storm Frontin’
BILL MAHER T - NEW RULES
Tallowed Be Thy Name
Tart Reform
1040 BS
The Book of Moron
The Guest Wing
The L-Word
Three Reichs and You’re Out
Tiara Alert
Till Debt Do Us Part
Tit for Tat
To Kill a Sunrise
Tongue Twisters
Too Much Intimation
Toodle-Eww
Topps and Bottoms
Trial Separation
Truck Stop
BILL MAHER U - NEW RULES
Unchained Malady
BILL MAHER V - NEW RULES
Vegetable Beef
Vidal Tycoon
Vow Movement
Hasta la Visa
BILL MAHER W - NEW RULES
Wait for the Tome
Wanna-Be Jones
Waxing Philosophic
Weakly Reader
Web Cans
Wet Nap
Where Was the Honeymoon?
Whore More Years
BILL MAHER X - NEW RULES
XXX-Pression
Xana-Don’t
Pique Performance
BILL MAHER Y - NEW RULES
Yawn Jockey
You, Too?
BILL MAHER Z - NEW RULES
Zip It
BILL MAHER NEW NEW RULES
Photo Credits
Notice
Mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities in this book does not imply endorsement by the publisher, nor does mention of specific companies, organizations, or authorities imply that they endorse this book.
Internet addresses and telephone numbers given in this book were accurate at the time it went to press.
© 2005 by Bill Maher
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any other information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher.
Printed in the United States of America
Rodale Inc. makes every effort to use acid-free, recycled paper.
Book design by Christopher Rhoads
Cover photograph by Blake Little
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Maher, Bill.
New rules : polite musings from a timid observer / Bill Maher. p. cm.
ISBN-13 978-1-59486-505-3 paperback
ISBN-10 1-59486-505-1 paperback
1. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PN6165.M34 2005 791.45’72—dc22
2005016222
Distributed to the book trade by Holtzbrinck Publishers
2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1 paperback
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Acknowledgments
There are a lot of people to thank when a book comes out—the folks mentioned below are just the most prominent.
Lots of people thought a New Rules book would be a good idea, but Leigh Haber is the extraordinary editor who made it happen.
Michael Viner is the first name I think of when I think of books. He’s doing the audio on this one, and any excuse to work with Mike is worth making.
Marc Gurvitz has been my manager forever and managed this book as well as he does everything. And thanks to Steve Lafferty at CAA, who got the ball rolling.
Polly Auritt of the Real Time staff did a great job getting the pictures we needed to help make you laugh.
And the writers of Real Time—Chris Kelly, Brian Jacobsmeyer, Ned Rice, Jay Jaroch, David Feldman, and Danny Vermont—are not just lol funny but know what time it is in America better than anyone I know.
Scott Carter, Sheila Griffiths, and Dean Johnsen produce Real Time, and their sensibility is unmistakably—thank goodness—on everything I do.
A very special thanks to HBO, especially Nancy Geller, for their unwavering support in providing me a forum to lay down these rules week after week.
And last, but really first, is my longtime producer/head writer of Politically Incorrect, and now Real Time, the Rob Petrie to my Alan Brady, Mr. Billy Martin. New Rules was his idea. I remember the fax he sent to me in 2002 as we were gearing up to launch a new show for HBO, borne of the ashes of Politically Incorrect, attemping to bring along what was good about that show and leave behind what we’d outgrown. Billy suggested New Rules as a segment, and I knew right away it was a keeper. Lucky for me, he has been as well.
And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.
Foreword
NEW RULE
No more books by talk show hosts! No, I mean it! Just this last one and then that’s it. Who do we think we are, anyway?
I guess it’s not enough to broadcast our every brilliant thought to millions of viewers each week. We also have to amass compilations of our favorite, most precious bon mots so that people can carry them around under their arms and enjoy them at the beach or on the subway or during a quiet moment sitting alone at home in a small room. Okay, okay, and they also make great gifts. There, I’ve said it.
But this book is different. It’s not your typical, pompous fare where I, the all-knowing host, sit in judgment, presuming to know, through my vast experience as a media whore, how you should be living your lives. No, no—not at all. This is a simple, humble collection of rules that basically points out how everyone but me has their head up their ass. Trust me, it’s a great read. And have I mentioned it also makes a great gift?
But here’s why I really wanted to publish this book: whenever I’m at an airport waiting for a plane to take me to some stand-up gig, a stranger will invariably approach me and say, “Excuse me, sir, could you drop your pants so we can see what the dog is sniffing at?”
And that’s why I wanted to make New Rules into a book—not just so there would be something else for people to discuss with me in airports, but also because it seemed about time that this “structureless” society of ours got back to the idea of rules, limits, and boundaries.
We have come to interpret the word “freedom” as meaning “without rules or boundaries,” but that’s not all there is to it. Kris Kristofferson wrote, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose,” apparently without considering that “nothing left to lose” is not another word at all, but four words. In doing so, he followed the rules of neither math nor grammar. What a loser.
And yet, when I was a teenager, I wanted to be just like Kris Kristofferson: grizzled. And not following the rules. Rules were for squares. I thought I was too cool for rules, which is quite amusing considering nothing about me at that age even remotely suggested coolness, except maybe my plaid polyester bell-bottoms. Of course, that’s often the way it is: The urge to rebel in youth often predates having a reason to do so. But then one day you take a lawn dart in the kidney and suddenly following the rules—at least the rules about lawn darts—doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.